You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickels in the machine.

The cost of living is going up and the chance of living is going down.

Get well cards have become so humorous that if you don't get sick you're missing half the fun.

The devil made me do it.

Violence is a tool of the ignorant.

Don't order one for the road, because the road is already laid out.

Things can be funny only when we are in fun. When we're 'dead earnest,' humor is the only thing that is dead.

When you're hot, you're hot; when you're not, you're not.

My happiest memory of childhood was my first birthday in reform school. This teacher took an interest in me. In fact, he gave me the first birthday presents I ever got: a box of Cracker Jacks and a can of ABC shoe polish.

Funny is an attitude.

Funny is not a color. Being black is only good from the time you get from the curtain to the microphone.

I think Mr. Wilson will have to be the rest of the way alone.

It would be ridiculous for me to say anything negative regarding blacks having an equal opportunity on TV.

It's later than it's ever been.

My main point is to be funny; if I can slip a message in there, fine.

My show is my statement. What I have to say is on the screen. My life is my own. I don't want to talk about my private self. Why should I?

I was number one in the ratings four times last year and twice this season. What could be more damn equal than that? If they get any more equal, I don't want it.