If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.

Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.

Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great.

A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better.

An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.

California is a great place to live if you're an orange.

Committee - a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.

During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.

Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.

Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.

I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.

I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.

I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama.

Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.

Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.

The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed.