My life needs editing.

Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.

People tell me there are a lot of guys like me, which doesn't explain why I'm lonely.

Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Reagan couldn't tell the difference.

A conservative is someone who believes in reform. But not now.

Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. If he ran unopposed he would have lost.