Ryan Stiles's Quotes

Never trust sheep.

Back off or the lizard gets it!

Never interrupt me when I'm eating a banana.

You know, I've got a confession to make myself. I'm not really a priest, I've just got my shirt on backwards.

If I could rap, that would be a sensation, but I can't, you see, I'm just a Caucasian.

The first rule to living in America is 'Stop tap dancing, you fool!'.

What do I do when we're not taping? Sit in a dark room and refine my plans for someday ruling Earth from a blimp. And chess.

I can't sprinkle sprinkles on. I lose control when I have sprinkles. I'm shaky. I still remember the great sprinkle accident of 1982.

I look like Walt Disney just threw up.

I'd rather drive the yellow brick road, you wouldn't happen to know of a rental car place around.

I'm going to buy some green bananas because by the time I get home they'll be ripe.

I'm Jim Phillips, I have multiple personalities. I'm also a skindiver, a puppeteer, and I was the tenth president of the United States.

If I were a man with gills, I would be a fish!

If I were as much of a man as my woman, I'd be my wife.

If I were but a man who would be tall, I would be me.

If I were like your mother, I would be a woman.

That is raw dough. Never eat raw dough. They can make worms in your tummy. Worms in your tummy.

The sky, the sky beyond the door is blue.

When it comes to making love, I may not be the best, but I'm damn gouda.

I began to see during the civil war, in that part of the states of Missouri and Kansas where the doctors were shut out, the children did not die.

Of what value is a mind when placed in the brain of a coward? If mind is a gift of God to man for his use, let him use it. A mind is not in use when doing no good.

I have no desire to be a cat, which walks so lightly that it never creates a disturbance.

My father was a progressive farmer, and was always ready to lay aside an old plough if he could replace it with one better constructed for its work. All through life, I have ever been ready to buy a better plough.

You find that all men are successes or failures. Success is the stamp of truth. I will say all men who fail to place their feet on the dome of facts do so by not sieving all truth and throwing the faulty to one side.