When I started I'd fly across the country to do a gig for a hundred bucks.

You know, you want to pull in a wide audience.

I want to get back to my fighting weight of 98 pounds. I have the exact measurements of that guy from the movie, Powder. Right now, I am the reigning West Coast Powder.

It's just a campy blast. I just want to do as little as I can and make it good, and try not to sell out. I'm sure I will, but I'm just trying to postpone it.

Success? You can't get a big head about it. When people stare at me, they could be whispering to their friend, 'That guy sucks! Have you seen him before? He's horrible.'

You can either look at things in a brutal, truthful way that's depressing, or you can screw around and have fun.

It's funny because it's funny.

There's always something funny about men chasing women.

Everyone is so weird in L.A. that if you're somewhat normal, it's exotic.

I feel like I've got this anti-marriage thing, but it's less that and more I'm overthinking it to get it right.

I got into stand-up to get on a sitcom.

I have no detectable hair style.

I have no stories to sell. A lot of my relationships are with civilians, and no one wants to hear about those.

I never dated much in high school or college.

I never have kids in movies or in TV shows.

I only have one note, let's be honest. But I'll play a different version of that one note.

I'm like a Dilbert cartoon.

I've got to get on myself to be sharp, funny and loose.

I've had it where things didn't go well for me with movies or something that got canceled.

In grade school I was smart, but I didn't have any friends. In high school, I quit being smart and started having friends.