I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'

A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'

I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.

My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.

I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there.

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'

I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.

The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.

And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.

And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.

But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.

I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.

I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me.

I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.