Nonchalance is the ability to remain down to earth when everything else is up in the air.

Nothing is as embarrassing as watching your boss do something you assured him couldn't be done.

Poise: the ability to be ill at ease inconspicuously.

The fastest way for a politician to become an elder statesman is to lose an election.

The man who didn't want his wife to work has been succeeded by the man who asks about her chances of getting a raise.

To sell something, tell a woman it's a bargain; tell a man it's deductible.

A vacation is what you take when you can no longer take what you've been taking.

Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don't.

A baseball game is simply a nervous breakdown divided into nine innings.

You may not be able to read a doctor's handwriting and prescription, but you'll notice his bills are neatly typewritten.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.

Snow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough.

Ever notice that the whisper of temptation can be heard farther than the loudest call to duty.

Isn't it a shame that future generations can't be here to see all the wonderful things we're doing with their money?

Always remember, money isn't everything - but also remember to make a lot of it before talking such fool nonsense.

Experience is what enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

For the parents of a Little Leaguer, a baseball game is simply a nervous breakdown into innings.

Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you're scared to death.

If you wouldn't write it and sign it, don't say it.