I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

I'm a very simple person. I'm very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that's me.

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'

I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable.

I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh.

I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling.

I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.

I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal.

I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

I love to write jokes and that's all I think about.

If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good.

Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before.

My mother's mother is a very tough cookie. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping.

My Vegas act is how I make my money.

The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.