In a house where there are small children the bathroom soon takes on the appearance of the Old Curiosity Shop.

It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.

Nothing makes a man feel older than to hear a band coming up the street and not to have the impulse to rush downstairs and out on to the sidewalk.

The biggest obstacle to professional writing is the necessity for changing a typewriter ribbon.

There seems to be no lengths to which humorless people will not go to analyze humor. It seems to worry them.

There is a note in the front of the volume saying that no public reading may be given without first getting the author's permission. It ought to be made much more difficult to do than that.

At fifteen one is first beginning to realize that everything isn't money and power in this world, and is casting about for joys that do not turn to dross in one's hands.

For a nation which has an almost evil reputation for bustle, bustle, bustle, and rush, rush, rush, we spend an enormous amount of time standing around in line in front of windows, just waiting.

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, owing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.

Other men wear white suits in summer and it doesn't seem to bother them. But my white suit seems to be a little whiter than theirs. I think also that it may have something written on the back of it, although I can't find it when I take the suit off.

We call ourselves a free nation, and yet we let ourselves be told what cabs we can and can't take by a man at a hotel door, simply because he has a drum major's uniform on.

You might think that after thousands of years of coming up too soon and getting frozen, the crocus family would have had a little sense knocked into it.

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.

A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.

Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other.

Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.

Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of.

A real hangover is nothing to try out family remedies on. The only cure for a real hangover is death.