A baby is a loud noise at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

It is so stupid of modern civilisation to have given up believing in the devil when he is the only explanation of it.

Only man has dignity; only man, therefore, can be funny.

The hall-mark of American humour is its pose of illiteracy.

When suave politeness, tempering bigot zeal, corrected 'I believe' to 'one does feel'.