I do say that I am in favor of the return of the guillotine and that is for the worst of the worst of the guilty.

I loved comedy all my life. I think it's a real powerful art form.

I meditate so I know how to find a peaceful place within to be calm and peaceful.

I never do anything fun, because I'm a housewife. I hate that word 'housewife.' I prefer to be called 'domestic goddess.'

I think I should be here alone to rethink the world - I do. I want these lesser humans gone.

I think I'm hysterical. I watch myself on tape and just roar - isn't that weird?

I want to eat, cook, meet famous people and make fun of them.

I was not raised a Zionist, but a socialist, as were most Jews before the Holocaust.

I wish I'd done a tenth year of the 'Roseanne' show.

I'm either mentally ill or Jewish. I can't sometimes tell the difference.

I'm enjoying my life, post-menopause, so much. It's just so great to grow into yourself, and not be bothered with all that tyranny of biology.

I'm God because I have the power to control my mind.

I'm kosher except for times where I eat pork and shellfish.

I'm not a politician. I think that uniquely qualifies me to become president of the U.S.

Imitation is the sincerest form of show business.

In order to be able to write a good joke, you have to find the truth.

My real life is funnier than anything on TV.

One of the first things I bought when I made 'Roseanne Show' money was a farm in Iowa.

Since I had my gastric bypass surgery in 1998, I eat like a bird. Unfortunately, that bird is a California condor.

The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner.