What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'.

Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.

The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.

Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.

Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.

I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.

To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.

If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.

I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.

Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?