I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.

Men want to make women happy.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it.

You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.'

I like definitive things.

I prefer the old theaters because the audience is... trapped.

If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years.

Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game.

Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.

Pay attention, don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.

Stand-up is hard.

Taking in a baseball game on TV is also a big treat.

The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing.

The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say.

We sold 'Seinfeld' all over the world but it was a very specific kind of show. In some countries it went down really well, in others they hated it.

Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me.

You can be passionate about anything.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.