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Mitch Hedberg's Profile

Brief about Mitch Hedberg: By info that we know Mitch Hedberg was born at 1968-02-24. And also Mitch Hedberg is American Comedian.

Some Mitch Hedberg's quotes. Goto "Mitch Hedberg's quotation" section for more.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

Tags: Lift, Literal, Once

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

Tags: Fish, Fishing, Show

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

Tags: Cheese, Food, Macaroni

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

Tags: Away, Saying, Someone

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

Tags: Against, Show

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

Tags: Carrots, Drunk, Rabbits

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

Tags: Life, Sex, Women

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

Tags: Life, Thought, Whole

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

Tags: Amazing, Funny, Why

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

Tags: Good, Time, Why

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

Tags: Cocky, Dangerous, Hands

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

Tags: Dogs, Forever, Push

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Tags: Else, Someone, Time

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

Tags: Soccer

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

Tags: Fingers, Missing, Nine

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

Tags: Friend, Said, Wanted

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

Tags: Caring, Lose, Sick

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Tags: Addicted, Gambling, Sitting

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

Tags: Dirty, Funny, Means

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.

Tags: Here, Making, Sorry
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