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Mitch Hedberg's Quotes

Mitch Hedberg profile photo

Born: 1968-02-24
Profession: Comedian
Nation: American
Biography of Mitch Hedberg

See the gallery for quotes by Mitch Hedberg. You can to use those 8 images of quotes as a desktop wallpapers.
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

Tags: Lift, Literal, Once

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

Tags: Fish, Fishing, Show

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

Tags: Cheese, Food, Macaroni

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

Tags: Away, Saying, Someone

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

Tags: Against, Show

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

Tags: Carrots, Drunk, Rabbits

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

Tags: Life, Sex, Women

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

Tags: Life, Thought, Whole

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

Tags: Amazing, Funny, Why

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

Tags: Good, Time, Why

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

Tags: Cocky, Dangerous, Hands

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

Tags: Dogs, Forever, Push

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Tags: Else, Someone, Time

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

Tags: Soccer

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

Tags: Fingers, Missing, Nine

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

Tags: Friend, Said, Wanted

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

Tags: Caring, Lose, Sick

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Tags: Addicted, Gambling, Sitting

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

Tags: Dirty, Funny, Means

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.

Tags: Here, Making, Sorry

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

Tags: Fingers, Whistle

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

Tags: Four, Good, Wheels

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

Tags: Normal, Remix

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.

Tags: Gambling, Love, Sitting

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.

Tags: Human, Once, Pyramid

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

Tags: League, Wish
Much more quotes by Mitch Hedberg below the page.

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

Tags: Last, Night, Time

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

Tags: Funny, Jokes

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

Tags: Once, Together, Whole

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

Tags: Kid, Sure, Work

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

Tags: Explain, Football, Weird

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.

Tags: Remember, Used, Yeah

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

Tags: Joke, Last, Words

Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.

Tags: Deli, Eyes, Meat

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

Tags: She, Sister, Wanted

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Tags: Eat, Hungry, Matter

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Tags: Fake, Funny, Water

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

Tags: Ask, Dreams, Sick

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

Tags: Become, Order, Sorry

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

Tags: Funny, Pancake, Trap

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

Tags: Fun, Late, Mad

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

Tags: Hero, Hold, Real

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Tags: Good, Lost, Work

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

Tags: Eat, Great, Hungry

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

Tags: Brain, Free, Smart

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Tags: Dating, Saying, Woman

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Tags: Guy, Trying, Weak

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Tags: Business, Fire, Said

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

Tags: Cool

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

Tags: Crazy, Imagine, Understand

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

Tags: Birthday, Cake, Wanted

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

Tags: Funny, Wanted, Water

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Tags: Foot, Severed, Ultimate

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Tags: Last, Morning, Night

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Tags: Depressing, Good, Matter

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

Tags: Used

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

Tags: Cause, Funny, Wear

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

Tags: Days, Slept, Ten

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Tags: Car, Coming, Tell

I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.

Tags: Four, Unless

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Tags: Book, Children, Read