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Mitch Hedberg's Quotes

Mitch Hedberg profile photo

Born: 1968-02-24
Profession: Comedian
Nation: American
Biography of Mitch Hedberg

See the gallery for quotes by Mitch Hedberg. You can to use those 8 images of quotes as a desktop wallpapers.
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

Tags: Lift, Literal, Once

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

Tags: Fish, Fishing, Show

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

Tags: Cheese, Food, Macaroni

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

Tags: Away, Saying, Someone

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

Tags: Against, Show

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

Tags: Carrots, Drunk, Rabbits

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

Tags: Life, Sex, Women

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

Tags: Life, Thought, Whole

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

Tags: Amazing, Funny, Why

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

Tags: Good, Time, Why

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

Tags: Cocky, Dangerous, Hands

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

Tags: Dogs, Forever, Push

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Tags: Else, Someone, Time

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

Tags: Soccer

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

Tags: Fingers, Missing, Nine

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

Tags: Friend, Said, Wanted

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

Tags: Caring, Lose, Sick

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Tags: Addicted, Gambling, Sitting

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

Tags: Dirty, Funny, Means

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.

Tags: Here, Making, Sorry

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

Tags: Fingers, Whistle

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

Tags: Four, Good, Wheels

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

Tags: Normal, Remix

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.

Tags: Gambling, Love, Sitting

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.

Tags: Human, Once, Pyramid

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

Tags: League, Wish
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Much more quotes by Mitch Hedberg below the page.

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

Tags: Last, Night, Time

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

Tags: Funny, Jokes

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

Tags: Once, Together, Whole

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

Tags: Kid, Sure, Work

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

Tags: Explain, Football, Weird

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.

Tags: Remember, Used, Yeah

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

Tags: Joke, Last, Words

Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.

Tags: Deli, Eyes, Meat

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

Tags: She, Sister, Wanted

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Tags: Eat, Hungry, Matter

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Tags: Fake, Funny, Water

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

Tags: Ask, Dreams, Sick

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

Tags: Become, Order, Sorry

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

Tags: Funny, Pancake, Trap

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

Tags: Fun, Late, Mad

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

Tags: Hero, Hold, Real

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Tags: Good, Lost, Work

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

Tags: Eat, Great, Hungry

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

Tags: Brain, Free, Smart

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Tags: Dating, Saying, Woman

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Tags: Guy, Trying, Weak

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Tags: Business, Fire, Said

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

Tags: Cool

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

Tags: Crazy, Imagine, Understand

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

Tags: Birthday, Cake, Wanted

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

Tags: Funny, Wanted, Water

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Tags: Foot, Severed, Ultimate

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Tags: Last, Morning, Night

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Tags: Depressing, Good, Matter

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

Tags: Used

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

Tags: Cause, Funny, Wear

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

Tags: Days, Slept, Ten

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Tags: Car, Coming, Tell

I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.

Tags: Four, Unless

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Tags: Book, Children, Read
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