Phyllis Diller's Quotes
Biography of Phyllis Diller
My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.Tags: Justice
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.Tags: Advice, Children, Work
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'Tags: Lady, Said, Three
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.Tags: Baseball, Kids, Weren
I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.Tags: Become, Knew, Wanted
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?Tags: Husband, Short, Words
The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.Tags: Him, Keep, Real
A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.Tags: Bad, End, Matter
The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.Tags: Career, Last, Learn
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.Tags: Him, Keep, Reason
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.Tags: Kids, Walk, While
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.Tags: Afford, Children, Move
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.Tags: Football, Reason, Women
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What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.Tags: Job, Looking
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.Tags: Children, Home, Nice
My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.Tags: Anger, Business, Cry
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.Tags: Enjoyed, Funny, Time
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.Tags: Children, Talk, Teacher
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.Tags: Children, Home, Parenting
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.Tags: Bad, Thought
There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.Tags: Ghetto, Money, Show
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.Tags: Her, Left, Pain
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.Tags: Age, Beauty, May
You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.Tags: Old, Shoes, Someone
It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.Tags: Beauty, Deep, Good