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Phyllis Diller's Quotes

Phyllis Diller profile photo

Born: 1917-07-17
Profession: Comedian
Nation: American
Biography of Phyllis Diller

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I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

Tags: Behind, Eighteen, Ironing

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

Tags: Justice

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

Tags: Advice, Children, Work

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

Tags: Blood, Old, Type

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

Tags: Half, Hour, Minute

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

Tags: Buried, Ironing, Yard

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

Tags: Lady, Said, Three

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

Tags: Baseball, Kids, Weren

I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.

Tags: Become, Knew, Wanted

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

Tags: Husband, Short, Words

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.

Tags: Him, Keep, Real

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

Tags: Age, Old, Show

A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.

Tags: Bad, End, Matter

My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.

Tags: Laugh, Life, Real

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

Tags: Dog, Picture, Wedding

My father used to call me the laughing hyena.

Tags: Call, Father, Used

The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.

Tags: Career, Last, Learn

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

Tags: Him, Keep, Reason

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Tags: Chance, Funny, Why

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

Tags: Curve, Smile, Straight

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

Tags: Kids, Walk, While

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Tags: Afford, Children, Move

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Tags: Football, Reason, Women
Much more quotes by Phyllis Diller below the page.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Tags: Best, Eat, Funny

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

Tags: Job, Looking

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

Tags: Children, Home, Nice

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

Tags: Anger, Business, Cry

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Tags: Anger, Fight, Mad

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

Tags: Enjoyed, Funny, Time

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

Tags: Guy, Men, Once

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Tags: Children, Talk, Teacher

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Tags: Children, Home, Parenting

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Tags: Bad, Thought

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

Tags: High, Off, Won

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

Tags: Ghetto, Money, Show

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

Tags: Away, Lives, Sex

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

Tags: Asked, Once, Room

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

Tags: Her, Left, Pain

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Tags: Age, Beauty, May

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

Tags: Old, Walker

You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

Tags: Old, Shoes, Someone

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.

Tags: Beauty, Deep, Good

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

Tags: Argument, Three, Time