Authors:  A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Henny Youngman's Quotes

Henny Youngman profile photo

Born: 1906-03-16
Profession: Comedian
Nation: American
Biography of Henny Youngman

See the gallery for quotes by Henny Youngman. You can to use those 8 images of quotes as a desktop wallpapers.
Henny Youngman's quote #1
Henny Youngman's quote #2
Henny Youngman's quote #3
Henny Youngman's quote #4
Henny Youngman's quote #5
Henny Youngman's quote #6
Henny Youngman's quote #7
Henny Youngman's quote #8

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

Tags: Brother, Car, Lifeguard

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

Tags: Buy, Love, Pay

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

Tags: Another, Doctor, Him

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

Tags: Him, Son, Time

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Tags: Buy, Happiness, Money

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

Tags: Afford, Doctor, Medical

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

Tags: Living, Mother, She

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

Tags: Anniversary, Love, Wife

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

Tags: Ready, Tell, Wit

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

Tags: Die, Men, Why

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

Tags: Drink, Suffering, Why

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

Tags: Poor, Student, Teacher

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

Tags: Car, Gift, Pay

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

Tags: Army, Himself, Time

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

Tags: God

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

Tags: Cemetery, Scout, Talent

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

Tags: Again, Life, Overseas

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

Tags: Dresses, She, Wife

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

Tags: Gown, She, Wear

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

Tags: Girl, Match, She

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

Tags: Horse, Start, Time

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

Tags: Number, Room, Service

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

Tags: Couple, Fast, She

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Tags: Cost, Why, Worth

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

Tags: Funny, Morning, Sorry

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

Tags: Happy, Marriage, Secret
Visit partners pages

Brown hair hazel eyes girl

7 clipart owl

Wing clipart angel wing

Hearts clipart lollipop

Baby clipart angel

Visit partners pages

Brown hair hazel eyes girl

7 clipart owl

Wing clipart angel wing

Hearts clipart lollipop

Baby clipart angel

Much more quotes by Henny Youngman below the page.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Tags: Home, Love, Marriage

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Tags: Anniversary, Marriage, Music

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

Tags: Die, Four, Money

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Tags: Doctor, Places, Quit

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

Tags: Human, Nice

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

Tags: Become, Wanted

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

Tags: Funny, Skydiving, Succeed

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

Tags: Good, Today, While

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Tags: Help, Sick, Woman

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Tags: Gave, Read, Reading

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'

Tags: Crazy, Him, Put

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

Tags: Pleasure, Took, Travel

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

Tags: Great, Him, Horse

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

Tags: Graduation, School, Used

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

Tags: Her, She, Wife

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

Tags: Horse, Kept, Trip

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

Tags: Girl, Her, Night

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

Tags: Her, Marriage, She

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

Tags: Bottle, Drinks, Glasses

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

Tags: Chicago, Frank, Women

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

Tags: Bad, Dad, Time

Take my wife... Please!

Tags: Please, Wife

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

Tags: Afraid, Time, Tough