True friends: only a few have 'em, but only a few will admit that they don't.

As much as it hurts, I would rather miss someone than hit someone.

Just because you're scarred for life doesn't mean you should be scared to live.

Dear disgruntled artists: the key to success isn't kicking down the door; it's building your own.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to understand the work of James Joyce; James Joyce needs to understand the work of Chuck Norris.

Don't hate the word, playa; hate the dictionary.

I imagine the life of an atheistic praying mantis to be rather torturous.

Love becomes logically true when lost but still sought from the same source.

Maybe the best way to get people to be pro-life is to start 'em off in amateur-life.

Some people put up a peace sign with one hand. Some people put up the middle finger instead. I use two hands and put up both.

The only way to get under me is to get over yourself.

A government full of Democrats would rather have you be a Republican, and a government full of Republicans would rather have you be a Democrat, than have you oppose both.

Comedy is only as stupid as you are smart.

Don't hate me 'cause I'm booed a fool!

Get tough: don't work under pressure; work over pressure.

He has your finger, but I have your heart.

I watch what I eat every day. I mean, who actually eats with their eyes closed?

I wonder: when a Jehovah's Witness dies and goes to Heaven, does God hide behind the door and pretend He's not home?

I write my own quotes. Except this one. I obviously stole this from somebody really clever.

I'll take a redrum with a rellik please.