I'm competitive at everything.

Like I said, all comedy is based on exaggeration, big or small, whatever you can get away with.

Liquor prohibition led to the rise of organized crime in America, and drug prohibition has led to the rise of the gang problems we have now.

Nothing's funny about someone who's successful.

Oh, and once, when I was in the Marines, I got a perfect score on my physical fitness test.

People laugh to forget their troubles, and to forget their troubles they like to look at people who aren't doing better than they are.

The Marines was a fresh start - that is why they shave your head. I wish they would let you change your name.

The people of Cleveland hate soccer. But it's my favourite thing and I follow the U.S. men's national team around when they play whenever I can.

We'll never see national shows with 45 shares again.

What also helps our show is that we never take ourselves seriously.

When I did Comic Relief, I did it to be on the show; it's a badge of honor as a comedian to do that show.

When I play poker, I don't like losing the pot.

When I thought I was retired, I wanted to travel around the world and watch soccer games.

When the show's in production, we work for three weeks at a time and then take a week off.

You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.

As far as your personal goals are and what you actually want to do with your life, it should never have to do with the government. You should never depend on the government for your retirement, your financial security, for anything.

Being a celebrity you always get really good seats to sporting events but you never get as good seats as the photographers get. And I really love sports. So one of the scams I have going now is I want to learn sports photography so I can get better seats at a sporting event.

But sports photography isn't something you just pick up overnight. You can't do it once a year for fun and expect to do a good job. And I take pride in what I do.

Even when people are rich and successful on TV shows, there's always some trouble - you have to poke holes in them, throw them out of a job, put a pie in the face.

George Carlin is kind of my template now because George Carlin before was straight laced regular comic and he had short hair, a tie, suit, nightclub guy. Then he said screw it, let his hair grow, just started telling what he thought was the truth. So that's what I'm trying to do.