If you're going to America, bring your own food.

Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat.

Having been unpopular in high school is not just cause for book publications.

When you leave New York, you are astonished at how clean the rest of the world is. Clean is not enough.

Polite conversation is rarely either.

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail.

I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not.

Calling a taxi in Texas is like calling a rabbi in Iraq.

In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink.

You can't go around hoping that most people have sterling moral characters. The most you can hope for is that people will pretend that they do.

Contrary to popular opinion, the hustle is not a new dance step - it is an old business procedure.

Designer clothes worn by children are like snowsuits worn by adults. Few can carry it off successfully.

Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky.

Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast, the disk jockey is not allowed to talk.

If you are truly serious abut preparing your child for the future, don't teach him to subtract teach him to deduct.

Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you.

Andy Warhol made fame more famous.

Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women, it is simply a good excuse not to play football.