I have a new joke today. Martha Stewart's on suicide watch. They had to unplug all of her ovens.

Because someone stole Gregory Peck's star on Hollywood Blvd., I have hired a Brink's guard to protect my star!

Carrot Top... I gave him advice once and he ran with it. He should thank me.

I was supposed to be on the Tonight Show but I broke my shoulder instead.

I went to see Harvey again in Fiddler. Harvey's throat is getting better.

I went to Sirius Satellite Radio and did my show, Rapping With Rip.

I've created such a monster.

Marty Richards is an angel on Earth. A producer that does what he says he'll do. He helped me greatly.

Red Skelton... I broke into tears when I met him.