On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.