Rodney Dangerfield's Quotes
Biography of Rodney Dangerfield
With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!Tags: Night, Sex, Wife
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.Tags: Dying, Wanted, Wish
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.Tags: Parents, Radio, Tell
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.Tags: Acting, Himself, Time
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.Tags: Her, Truth, Wife
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.Tags: Father, Kid, Picture
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.Tags: Again, Marriage, Wife
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.Tags: Home, Sexy, Wife
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.Tags: Call, Dog, Him
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.Tags: Marriage, Sleep, Together
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.Tags: Best, Birthday, Respect
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.Tags: Him, Kid, Wife
At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.Tags: Fight, Hope, Wants
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.Tags: Put, Trying, Wife
Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.Tags: Fact, Knowing, Short
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.Tags: Crazy, Opinion, Said
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.Tags: Drink, Last, Time
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.Tags: Honest, Luck, Respect
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.Tags: Girl, Home, Said
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.Tags: Everyone, Ridiculous, Said
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.Tags: Jealousy, May, Wife
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.Tags: Coming, Drinking, Taking
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.Tags: Age, Food, Life
My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.Tags: Dark, Light, Wife
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.Tags: Hear, Morning, Put
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.Tags: Marriage, Tough, Wife
Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'Tags: God, Said, Ugly
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.Tags: Face, Library, Reading
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.Tags: Father, Remember, Time
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.Tags: Put, Real, Tough
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.Tags: Dentist, Teeth, Wear