Laughter is the sensation of feeling good all over and showing it principally in one place.

Men mourn for what they have lost; women for what they ain't got.

Most people repent their sins by thanking God they ain't so wicked as their neighbors.

There's a lot of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it.

Woman's influence is powerful, especially when she wants something.

It is not all bad, this getting old, ripening. After the fruit has got its growth it should juice up and mellow. God forbid I should live long enough to ferment and rot and fall to the ground in a squash.

If you ever find happiness by hunting for it, you will find it, as the old woman did her lost spectacles, safe on her own nose all the time.

There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.

Be kind to your mother-in-law, but pay for her board at some good hotel.

It is much easier to repent of sins that we have committed than to repent of those that we intend to commit.

Life is short, but it's long enough to ruin any man who wants to be ruined.

Money will buy a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail.

As scarce as truth is, the supply has always been in excess of the demand.

Economy is a savings-bank, into which men drop pennies, and get dollars in return.

The man whose only pleasure in life is making money, weighs less on the moral scale than an angleworm.

When a man comes to me for advice, I find out the kind of advice he wants, and I give it to him.

A good way I know to find happiness, is to not bore a hole to fit the plug.

A puppy plays with every pup he meets, but an old dog has few associates.

Take all the fools out of this world and there wouldn't be any fun living in it, or profit.

The best time for you to hold your tongue is the time you feel you must say something or bust.