Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.

The man with the best job in the country is the vice-president. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, 'How is the president?'

What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.

The more you observe politics, the more you've got to admit that each party is worse than the other.

A difference of opinion is what makes horse racing and missionaries.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Do the best you can, and don't take life too serious.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

There ought to be one day - just one - when there is open season on senators.

All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance.

America is becoming so educated that ignorance will be a novelty. I will belong to the select few.

People's minds are changed through observation and not through argument.

The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them.

Don't gamble; take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it.

Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need.

The worst thing that happens to you may be the best thing for you if you don't let it get the best of you.

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.

When the Oakies left Oklahoma and moved to California, it raised the I.Q. of both states.