There's one more terrifying fact about old people: I'm going to be one soon.

If government were a product, selling it would be illegal.

Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope.

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.

A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat.

Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.

Fortunately, I'm married to someone who's a pretty excellent parent!

I rarely meet a politician that I don't like personally. They are generally well endowed with charm. Therein lies the danger.

The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to.

Government proposes, bureaucracy disposes. And the bureaucracy must dispose of government proposals by dumping them on us.

The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop.

I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a 'learning experience.' Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I've done as a 'learning experience.' It makes me feel less stupid.

Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife.

Never wear anything that panics the cat.

There's something about Marxism that brings out warts; the only kind of growth this economic system encourages.

A very quiet and tasteful way to be famous is to have a famous relative. Then you can not only be nothing, you can do nothing too.

Ideology, politics and journalism, which luxuriate in failure, are impotent in the face of hope and joy.

There is one thing women can never take away from men. We die sooner.

After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.

Staying married may have long-term benefits. You can elicit much more sympathy from friends over a bad marriage than you ever can from a good divorce.