Authors:  A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Groucho Marx's Quotes

Groucho Marx profile photo

Born: 1970-01-01
Profession: Comedian
Nation: American
Biography of Groucho Marx

See the gallery for quotes by Groucho Marx. You can to use those 7 images of quotes as a desktop wallpapers.
Groucho Marx's quote #1
Groucho Marx's quote #2
Groucho Marx's quote #3
Groucho Marx's quote #4
Groucho Marx's quote #5
Groucho Marx's quote #6
Groucho Marx's quote #7

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

Tags: Bed, Medical, Running

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Tags: Evening, Perfectly, Wonderful

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

Tags: Remember, Sex, Time

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.

Tags: Book, Good, Read

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

Tags: Poverty, State, Worked

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

Tags: Speak

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.

Tags: America, Read, Started

Humor is reason gone mad.

Tags: Humor, Mad, Reason

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

Tags: Next, Talk, Time

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.

Tags: Boss, Goes, Time

Women should be obscene and not heard.

Tags: Heard, Obscene, Women

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

Tags: Book, Laughter, Moment

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

Tags: Evening, Perfectly, Wonderful

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Tags: Age, Born, Early

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Tags: Military, Terms

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.

Tags: Ask, Him, Honest

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

Tags: Good, Hate, Leaving

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.

Tags: Actually, Days, September

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

Tags: Again, Stop, Story

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Tags: Eyes

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

Tags: Adverse, Conditions, Curtain

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

Tags: Beat, Head, Mind

I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

Tags: Belong, Member, Won

CLEAR CLIPART cat clipart ripndip clip arts transparent.

Free clip arts people clipart uihere for personal use.

clear clipart source of flower clipart embellishment.

clear clipart source of flower clipart gold.

CLEAR CLIPART people clipart funny clip arts transparent.

CLEAR CLIPART cat clipart ripndip clip arts transparent.

Free clip arts people clipart uihere for personal use.

clear clipart source of flower clipart embellishment.

clear clipart source of flower clipart gold.

CLEAR CLIPART people clipart funny clip arts transparent.

Much more quotes by Groucho Marx below the page.

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

Tags: Brain, Old, Year

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

Tags: Relationship, Relatives, Unhappy

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.

Tags: Child, Understand, Why

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

Tags: Another, Horse, Marry

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Tags: Pleasure, Smoke, Woman

Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.

Tags: Accept, Care, Please

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Tags: Judge, Poor, Whoever

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Tags: Larger, Room, Service

Go, and never darken my towels again.

Tags: Again, Darken, Towels

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

Tags: Marriage, Politics, Strange

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

Tags: Quote, Saying

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

Tags: Dance, Enough, Wives

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

Tags: Shall, Wish, Written

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Tags: Closer, Held, Side

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Tags: Horse, Why

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Tags: Justice, Military, Music

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

Tags: Away, Hollywood, Keep

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

Tags: Care, Done, Why

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Tags: Dead, Either, Watch

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.

Tags: Book, Mind, Write

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

Tags: Children, Mother, She

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.

Tags: Life, Mind, Time

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

Tags: Happy, Power, Today

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

Tags: Art, Politics, Wrong

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Tags: Best, Book, Friend

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Tags: Funny, Someone, Understand

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

Tags: Club, Funny, Join

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Tags: Anyone, Funny, Women

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Tags: Belong, Care, Club

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Tags: Face, Forget, Glad

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Tags: Animal, Black, Path

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

Tags: Him, Life, Women

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

Tags: Born, Except, Funny

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

Tags: Fake, Honesty, Life

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

Tags: Marriage, Wants, Wonderful

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

Tags: Beauty, Father, Her

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Tags: Book, Read, Time

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

Tags: Die, Forever, Trying

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Tags: Successful, Wife, Woman

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Tags: Feels, Old, Woman

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

Tags: Others, Principles

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.

Tags: Art, Tell, Water

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

Tags: Feeling, Golf, Medical

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Tags: Judge, Married, Wedding

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Tags: Elephant, Morning, Shot

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

Tags: Dead, Horse, Humor

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

Tags: Enough, Getting, Problem