Groucho Marx's Quotes
Biography of Groucho Marx
I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.Tags: Book, Good, Read
Before I speak, I have something important to say.Tags: Speak
I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.Tags: America, Read, Started
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.Tags: Book, Laughter, Moment
There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.Tags: Ask, Him, Honest
I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.Tags: Good, Hate, Leaving
My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.Tags: Actually, Days, September
If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.Tags: Again, Stop, Story
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?Tags: Eyes
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.Tags: Adverse, Conditions, Curtain
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It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.Tags: Relationship, Relatives, Unhappy
Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.Tags: Child, Understand, Why
Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.Tags: Accept, Care, Please
I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.Tags: Shall, Wish, Written
Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.Tags: Book, Mind, Write
My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.Tags: Children, Mother, She
The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.Tags: Life, Mind, Time
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.Tags: Happy, Power, Today
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.Tags: Art, Politics, Wrong
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.Tags: Best, Book, Friend
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.Tags: Funny, Someone, Understand
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.Tags: Animal, Black, Path
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.Tags: Fake, Honesty, Life
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?Tags: Marriage, Wants, Wonderful
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.Tags: Book, Read, Time
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.Tags: Others, Principles
Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.Tags: Art, Tell, Water
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.Tags: Feeling, Golf, Medical
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.Tags: Elephant, Morning, Shot