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Jerry Seinfeld's Quotes

Jerry Seinfeld profile photo

Born: 1955-04-29
Profession: Comedian
Nation: American
Biography of Jerry Seinfeld

See the gallery for quotes by Jerry Seinfeld. You can to use those 8 images of quotes as a desktop wallpapers.
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I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.

Tags: Married, Single, Tell

Men want to make women happy.

Tags: Happy, Men, Women

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

Tags: Fun, Greatest, Talk

When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it.

Tags: Small, Someone, Whole

You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

Tags: Comedy, Essence

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.'

Tags: Advice, Men, Women

I like definitive things.

Tags: Definitive

I prefer the old theaters because the audience is... trapped.

Tags: Audience, Old, Trapped

If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years.

Tags: Bad, Hours, Movie

Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game.

Tags: Decision, Game, Men

Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.

Tags: Death, Once, Start

Pay attention, don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.

Tags: Attention, Life, Love

Stand-up is hard.

Tags: Hard

Taking in a baseball game on TV is also a big treat.

Tags: Baseball, Big, Game

The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing.

Tags: Car, Real, Thought

The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say.

Tags: Terrifying, Truth, Wanted

We sold 'Seinfeld' all over the world but it was a very specific kind of show. In some countries it went down really well, in others they hated it.

Tags: Countries, Others, Show

Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me.

Tags: Bother, Impression, Stern

You can be passionate about anything.

Tags: Passionate

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.

Tags: Friends, Fun, Laugh

The Beatles created something that never trailed off. What a gift that was to their fans. If you're into the Beatles, you loved them from beginning to end.

Tags: End, Loved, Off

I wrote an article on a new Porsche for 'Automobile Magazine.' I knew the editor, and she asked me to write this article. So I'm more proud of that than anything.

Tags: Proud, She, Write

Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.

Tags: Anger, Good, Work

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

Tags: Blender, Funny, Top

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'

Tags: Birthday, Getting, Old

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

Tags: Amazing, Funny, Happens
Much more quotes by Jerry Seinfeld below the page.

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Tags: Care, Funny, Men

I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

Tags: Busy, Forces, Idea

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

Tags: Funny, Irs, Mafia

To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.

Tags: Keep, Life, Moving

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

Tags: Good, Husband, Yourself

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

Tags: Pretty, Problem, Show

That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.

Tags: Spirit, True

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

Tags: Accept, End, God

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

Tags: Evidence, Pieces, Thinking

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

Tags: Family, Fun, Whole

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

Tags: Reason, Road, Sometimes

You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive.

Tags: Alive, Challenges, Yourself

Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.

Tags: Here, Mistake, Why

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

Tags: Deserve, Lied, Read

I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu.

Tags: Hear, Put, Special

I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

Tags: Delicate, Explosive, Funny

I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team.

Tags: Good, Team, Three

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.

Tags: Law, Move, Parents

When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.

Tags: Business, Off, Ridiculous

Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

Tags: Game, Marriage, Water

I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they're doing. People don't look at me. They don't even know I'm there.

Tags: Hotel, Walk, Watch

I love being a dad. I just love it.

Tags: Dad, Love