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W. C. Fields's Quotes

W. C. Fields profile photo

Born: 1970-01-01
Profession: Comedian
Nation: American
Biography of W. C. Fields

See the gallery for quotes by W. C. Fields. You can to use those 8 images of quotes as a desktop wallpapers.
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The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.

Tags: Breath, Cheese, Clever

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

Tags: Put, Themselves, Turn

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.

Tags: Death, Hope, Life

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

Tags: Keep, Money, Wrong

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

Tags: Exactly, Sex, Worse

Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.

Tags: Anyone, Bad, Children

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

Tags: Once, Sunday, Year

I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.

Tags: Afraid, Become, Water

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.

Tags: Her, Night, Woman

Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.

Tags: Great, Husband, Show

It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

Tags: Drink, Her, Woman

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Tags: Betting, Horse, Sense

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

Tags: Done, Easy, Off

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

Tags: Cork, Lunch, Took

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

Tags: Father, Prison, State

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

Tags: Alive, Getting, Place

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?

Tags: Cold, Death, Whiskey

I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Tags: Everyone, Free, Hate

I must have a drink of breakfast.

Tags: Breakfast, Drink

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

Tags: Case, Keep, Snake

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.

Tags: Life, Saloon

Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.

Tags: Another, Bartender, Best

I drink therefore I am.

Tags: Drink, Therefore

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

Tags: Another, Gone, Living

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.

Tags: Drink, Stuff, Water

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

Tags: Family, Men, Women
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Much more quotes by W. C. Fields below the page.

I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.

Tags: Against, Anyone, Vote

Never give a sucker an even break.

Tags: Break, Give, Sucker

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.

Tags: Cry, May, Milk

Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.

Tags: Both, Favorable, Head

Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.

Tags: Again, Children, Seen

On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia.

Tags: Rather, Whole

Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.

Tags: Here, Living, Rather

There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.

Tags: Drink, Real, Today

I never met a kid I liked.

Tags: Kid, Liked, Met

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.

Tags: Beautiful, Her, Love

I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

Tags: Bottle, Keep, Snake

If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind.

Tags: Behind, Far, Prosperity

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

Tags: Closed, Last, Week

I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.

Tags: Best, Here, Why

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

Tags: Fool, Success, Try

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Tags: Food, Funny, Sometimes

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Tags: Crazy, Doubt, Women

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Tags: Humor, Smile, Start

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Tags: Fish, Funny, Water

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

Tags: Best, Insomnia, Sleep

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

Tags: Straight, Trust, Water

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

Tags: Drink, Her, Woman

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

Tags: Carry, Small, Whiskey

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

Tags: Life, Try, Woman

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Tags: Feet, House, Midget

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

Tags: Brilliance, Bull

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Tags: Days, Food, Once

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.

Tags: Home, Worry

I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.

Tags: Equality, Free, Hate

I like children - fried.

Tags: Children, Fried, Funny

Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.

Tags: Beautiful, Experience, Life

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Tags: Answer, Call

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

Tags: Heart, Last, Worry

Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.

Tags: Hell, Politics, Vote

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

Tags: Money, Poor, Rich

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.

Tags: Days, Food, Travel

Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.

Tags: Elephants, Women

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

Tags: Dead, Fish, Remember

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

Tags: Face, Situation, Time