Henny Youngman's Quotes
Biography of Henny Youngman
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.Tags: Another, Doctor, Him
My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!Tags: Him, Son, Time
When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.Tags: Afford, Doctor, Medical
If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.Tags: Living, Mother, She
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.Tags: Anniversary, Love, Wife
I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.Tags: Car, Gift, Pay
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.Tags: Army, Himself, Time
When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.Tags: God
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.Tags: Funny, Morning, Sorry
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Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.Tags: Home, Love, Marriage
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.Tags: Anniversary, Marriage, Music
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.Tags: Doctor, Places, Quit
A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.Tags: Help, Sick, Woman
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.Tags: Pleasure, Took, Travel
This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!Tags: Graduation, School, Used
There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.Tags: Girl, Her, Night
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.Tags: Bottle, Drinks, Glasses
This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.Tags: Chicago, Frank, Women
My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?Tags: Bad, Dad, Time