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Henny Youngman's Quotes

Henny Youngman profile photo

Born: 1906-03-16
Profession: Comedian
Nation: American
Biography of Henny Youngman

See the gallery for quotes by Henny Youngman. You can to use those 8 images of quotes as a desktop wallpapers.
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My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

Tags: Brother, Car, Lifeguard

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

Tags: Buy, Love, Pay

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

Tags: Another, Doctor, Him

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

Tags: Him, Son, Time

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Tags: Buy, Happiness, Money

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

Tags: Afford, Doctor, Medical

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

Tags: Living, Mother, She

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

Tags: Anniversary, Love, Wife

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

Tags: Ready, Tell, Wit

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

Tags: Die, Men, Why

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

Tags: Drink, Suffering, Why

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

Tags: Poor, Student, Teacher

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

Tags: Car, Gift, Pay

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

Tags: Army, Himself, Time

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

Tags: God

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

Tags: Cemetery, Scout, Talent

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

Tags: Again, Life, Overseas

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

Tags: Dresses, She, Wife

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

Tags: Gown, She, Wear

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

Tags: Girl, Match, She

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

Tags: Horse, Start, Time

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

Tags: Number, Room, Service

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

Tags: Couple, Fast, She

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Tags: Cost, Why, Worth

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

Tags: Funny, Morning, Sorry

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

Tags: Happy, Marriage, Secret

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Much more quotes by Henny Youngman below the page.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Tags: Home, Love, Marriage

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Tags: Anniversary, Marriage, Music

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

Tags: Die, Four, Money

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Tags: Doctor, Places, Quit

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

Tags: Human, Nice

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

Tags: Become, Wanted

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

Tags: Funny, Skydiving, Succeed

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

Tags: Good, Today, While

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Tags: Help, Sick, Woman

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Tags: Gave, Read, Reading

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'

Tags: Crazy, Him, Put

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

Tags: Pleasure, Took, Travel

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

Tags: Great, Him, Horse

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

Tags: Graduation, School, Used

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

Tags: Her, She, Wife

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

Tags: Horse, Kept, Trip

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

Tags: Girl, Her, Night

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

Tags: Her, Marriage, She

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

Tags: Bottle, Drinks, Glasses

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

Tags: Chicago, Frank, Women

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

Tags: Bad, Dad, Time

Take my wife... Please!

Tags: Please, Wife

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

Tags: Afraid, Time, Tough