Karl Pilkington's Quotes

I had a bad experience doing public speaking at school. I had to talk about a pen for five minutes and it was really hard work. I couldn't wait to get off the stage.

The reason I did the book about holidays is that you're a different person on holiday. You're sleeping somewhere unfamiliar, knocking about with people you've never met and for 10 days you're someone else. You're out of your comfortable zone.

To be honest, marriage doesn't scare me and that, it's just once you've been together for so long, if you haven't got any kids it's just a big expensive day out for everyone else to enjoy, isn't it?

When I go on holiday and people ask me what I do, I tell them I do some internet stuff and I've done a couple of books and I hope they just leave it at that.

A slug is always on its own. It's a lonely insect.

They say it all started out with a big bang. But, what I wonder is, was it a big bang or did it just seem big because there wasn't anything else drown it out at the time?

People who live in a glass house have to answer the door.

And we've got a toaster and everything. So there is no reason for the wedding.

I just sort of go along and say what I think -and that's all you can do in life, really.

That's the problem with having a bald head. It exaggerates the shape.

I came face-to-face with a gorilla which was quite good, but it was a 10-hour trek in bad weather, up hills, covered in mud, with mosquitoes everywhere and when we got there the gorilla's just sat there doing nowt.

But I'm not an idiot. At the end of the day, I've learned a lot.

It would be spiteful to put a Jellyfish in a trifle.

Yesterday, I did some painting then went out to buy an onion and came home and watched 'University Challenge.' The onion was probably the highlight.

I say have the night and give people the awards, but why do people want to watch people win awards? What are they getting out of it? I don't quite get it. Because they have awards all the time; there's awards for butchers, the best meat served, but they don't televise it. I don't know why they do it for films or TV programs.

Comedy's really subjective, you know.

I mean, I don't really go out at night in terms of noisy, busy places; I prefer more of a quiet corner somewhere.

I'm not invited to any exciting parties and my life hasn't really changed.

I've got loads of nieces and nephews.

I've never won many awards, I didn't get certificates for swimming or anything.

If you'd have told me five years ago that I'd have done all this - two books, some television and everything - I'd panic, I'd be scared.

It's not a joke: I really do like being at home.

Sometimes you can know too much. A lot of brainy people like Stephen Fry are quite depressive.

To me, a cat is an easy pet, they don't need any spoiling or looking after.

When you've been on a programme called 'An Idiot Abroad' job offers aren't exactly flying in.

You know, when you're a producer, you're a bit of a lackey. You're just making cups of tea and making sure they've got newspaper, stuff like that.