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Steven Wright's Quotes

Steven Wright profile photo

Born: 1955-12-06
Profession: Comedian
Nation: American
Biography of Steven Wright

See the gallery for quotes by Steven Wright. You can to use those 8 images of quotes as a desktop wallpapers.
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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

Tags: Car, Gone, Stop

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

Tags: Memories, Past, Whenever

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

Tags: Good, Mistakes, Morning

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

Tags: Future, Off, Side

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

Tags: Car, Home, Leave

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

Tags: Kept, Mind, Trying

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

Tags: Car, Friend, Friends

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

Tags: Drown, Rest, Swimmer

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

Tags: Paint, Small

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

Tags: Keep, Perhaps, Seen

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

Tags: Reminisce

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

Tags: Happen, Light, Turn

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Tags: Drive, Fast, Worry

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Tags: Coffee, Put, Time

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Tags: Asked, Washington, Whipped

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

Tags: Dictionary, Misspelled, Word

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

Tags: Heat, Wave

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

Tags: Missing, Tired, Weather

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

Tags: Dead, End, Sure

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

Tags: Buy, General, Store

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

Tags: Acid, Dropped, God

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

Tags: Fire, Place, Work

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Tags: Adopted, Evolution, Theory

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

Tags: Car, Looks, Moving

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

Tags: Argument, Number, Vegas

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Tags: Black, Whole, Why

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Much more quotes by Steven Wright below the page.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

Tags: Fish, Last, Year

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

Tags: Child, Eventually, Kid

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

Tags: Hand, Hate, Night

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

Tags: Car, Stop, While

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

Tags: Last, Night, Old

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

Tags: Friend, Him, Makes

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Tags: Dog, Gone, Pet

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

Tags: Asked, Money, Said

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

Tags: Joke, Nobody, Tell

Hermits have no peer pressure.

Tags: Peer, Pressure

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

Tags: Mime, Shoot

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

Tags: Hour, Said, Time

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

Tags: Hear

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

Tags: Shoot

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

Tags: Amnesia, Deja, Time

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

Tags: Power, Trapped, Yesterday

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

Tags: Notice, Permanent, Press

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

Tags: Street, Suddenly, Walking

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

Tags: Executive, Second, Subliminal

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

Tags: Circular, Driveway, Neighbor

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

Tags: Car, Fast, Stick

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

Tags: Fast, Left, Thinking

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Tags: Writing

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

Tags: Difference, Room

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

Tags: Add, Time, Water

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

Tags: Girl, She, Wonderful

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

Tags: God, Pull, Speeding

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

Tags: Glasses, Street, Walking

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

Tags: Here, Weird

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

Tags: Die, Leaving, Science

How young can you die of old age?

Tags: Age, Die, Young

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

Tags: Asked, Canada, Said

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

Tags: Asked, Guy, Kid

At one point he decided enough was enough.

Tags: Decided, Enough, Point

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

Tags: Children, Few, Purpose

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

Tags: Million, Monkey, Write

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Tags: Fingers, Hand

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

Tags: Matter, Room

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

Tags: Door, Guy, Said

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

Tags: Hear, Him, Talk

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

Tags: Arms, Museum, Museums

So, do you live around here often?

Tags: Here, Often

I invented the cordless extension cord.

Tags: Cord, Extension, Invented

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

Tags: Buy, General, Store

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

Tags: Lost, Pet, Somewhere

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

Tags: Everybody, List, Simple

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

Tags: Afraid, Funny, Heights

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Tags: Far, Funny, Good

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

Tags: Birthday, Happy, Remember

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

Tags: Book, Funny, Writing

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Tags: Humor, Time, Within

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Tags: Breakfast, Restaurant, Time

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Tags: Another, Funny, Word

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Tags: Birthday, Fight, Put

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Tags: Between, Fishing, Idiot

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

Tags: Game, Makes, Wrong

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

Tags: Bad, Legal, Luck

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

Tags: Here, Life, Off

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

Tags: Batteries, Funny, Weren

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Tags: Country, Funny, Great

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Tags: Last, Night, Playing

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

Tags: Grow, Happen, Ocean

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

Tags: Put

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Tags: Poetry, Reading, Thought

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Tags: Put, Someone, Thoughts

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Tags: Breaks, Coffee, Employees

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

Tags: Above, Apartment, Furious

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

Tags: Here, Map, Written

What a nice night for an evening.

Tags: Evening, Nice, Night

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

Tags: Add, Water

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Tags: Cat, Curiosity, While