I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

I am furious about everything.

It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

All my friends are dying. That's why I always wear black.

Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.

Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.

I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider.

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

Every television show you go on is a choice.

I could be the Greta Garbo of comedy, very secluded, but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her.

I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.