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Joan Rivers's Quotes

Joan Rivers profile photo

Born: 1933-06-08
Profession: Comedian
Nation: American
Biography of Joan Rivers

See the gallery for quotes by Joan Rivers. You can to use those 7 images of quotes as a desktop wallpapers.
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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

Tags: Covers, Flabby, Stomach

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

Tags: Beauty, Found, Ideal

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

Tags: Dog, Kid, Year

I am furious about everything.

Tags: Furious

It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.

Tags: Forgotten, Sex, Since

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

Tags: Group, Therapy, Total

All my friends are dying. That's why I always wear black.

Tags: Black, Friends, Why

Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.

Tags: God, Life, Parents

Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.

Tags: Another, Boy, Needs

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

Tags: Chinese, Directory, Telephone

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.

Tags: Door, Enough, Smart

I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider.

Tags: Circle, Nobody, Outsider

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.

Tags: Else, Strive, Top

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

Tags: Thought, Understand, War

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

Tags: Beautiful, Female, Girl

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.

Tags: Respect, Sleep, Tell

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

Tags: Accept, Funny, Old

Every television show you go on is a choice.

Tags: Choice, Show, Television

I could be the Greta Garbo of comedy, very secluded, but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her.

Tags: Comedy, Her, Rich

I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.

Tags: Beginning, Good, Tried

I hate reality shows that are not reality.

Tags: Hate, Reality, Shows

I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.

Tags: Once, Wonderful, Year

I just love acting.

Tags: Acting, Love

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Much more quotes by Joan Rivers below the page.

I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.

Tags: Lived, Show, Stage

I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.

Tags: Child, Country, Fool

I think I'm in a business where you have to look good, and it's totally youth-oriented.

Tags: Business, Good, Totally

I was a Brownie Scout mother.

Tags: Mother, Scout

I was not an attractive child.

Tags: Attractive, Child

I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.

Tags: Away, Praise, Someone

If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting.

Tags: Acting, Making, Saying

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

Tags: Fat, Food, Her

Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.

Tags: Laugh, Life, Tough

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

Tags: Best, Control, Leave

Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.

Tags: Against, Her, Put

The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage.

Tags: Happiest, Stage

Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.

Tags: History, Nice, Read

The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.

Tags: Forward, Someone, Tell

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Tags: Baby, Funny, Knew

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

Tags: Good, Wisdom, Wise

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

Tags: God, History, Today

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Tags: Funny, Hate, Start

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

Tags: Husband, Life, Mother

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

Tags: Funny, God, Put

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

Tags: Consider, Fitness, Time

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

Tags: Body, Die, Plastic

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

Tags: God, Put, Wanted

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Tags: Hell, Her, Said

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.

Tags: Care, Good, Life

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

Tags: Enough, Happiness, Money

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

Tags: Equal, Forty, Partners

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

Tags: Forgotten, Sex, Since

What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care.

Tags: Book, Care, Work

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

Tags: Plastic, Surgery, Wish

Never floss with a stranger.

Tags: Funny, Stranger

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

Tags: Clothes, Diet, Diets

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

Tags: Mistakes, Sleep, Woman

My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.

Tags: Him, Husband, Wanted

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

Tags: Else, Saying, Thinking

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.

Tags: Husband, Love, Pain

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

Tags: God, Put, Work

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

Tags: Country, God, Thankful

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.

Tags: Accept, Methods