Joan Rivers's Quotes
Biography of Joan Rivers
My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.Tags: Dog, Kid, Year
I am furious about everything.Tags: Furious
My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.Tags: Group, Therapy, Total
Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.Tags: God, Life, Parents
Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.Tags: Chinese, Directory, Telephone
Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.Tags: Else, Strive, Top
She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.Tags: Thought, Understand, War
Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.Tags: Respect, Sleep, Tell
Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.Tags: Accept, Funny, Old
I could be the Greta Garbo of comedy, very secluded, but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her.Tags: Comedy, Her, Rich
I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.Tags: Beginning, Good, Tried
I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.Tags: Once, Wonderful, Year
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I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.Tags: Child, Country, Fool
I think I'm in a business where you have to look good, and it's totally youth-oriented.Tags: Business, Good, Totally
If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting.Tags: Acting, Making, Saying
Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.Tags: History, Nice, Read
The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.Tags: Forward, Someone, Tell
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.Tags: Baby, Funny, Knew
Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.Tags: Good, Wisdom, Wise
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.Tags: God, History, Today
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.Tags: Funny, Hate, Start
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.Tags: Husband, Life, Mother
I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.Tags: Body, Die, Plastic
I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.Tags: God, Put, Wanted
I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'Tags: Hell, Her, Said
I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.Tags: Care, Good, Life
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.Tags: Enough, Happiness, Money
What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care.Tags: Book, Care, Work
I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.Tags: Plastic, Surgery, Wish
A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.Tags: Mistakes, Sleep, Woman
My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.Tags: Him, Husband, Wanted
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.Tags: God, Put, Work
Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.Tags: Country, God, Thankful