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Lewis Black's Quotes

Lewis Black profile photo

Born: 1948-08-30
Profession: Comedian
Nation: American
Biography of Lewis Black

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My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter.

Tags: Father, Paid, Worked

My touring has never stopped; from the time I started doing stand-up, I've been on the road.

Tags: Road, Started, Time

If I get a week off, I'll go to a hotel that has a golf course. I like to come downstairs and go right onto the course. I'll do that five days in a row.

Tags: Days, Off, Week

The whole Valentine's thing is fine, but you don't back it up right next to the biggest gift-giving holiday of the year. Unbelievable. And we find it acceptable.

Tags: Holiday, Whole, Year

I do the same gig. I might change it a little; I might slow it down if I'm in the South. I talk fast, and they're not used to people talking that fast.

Tags: Change, Talk, Used

I get an idea about something. I just start thinking about it, and then I get onstage and I talk about it, and then I think about it some more and talk about it some more, and think about it some more and talk about it some more, until it starts to take a shape.

Tags: Start, Talk, Thinking

I started playing golf when I was a kid, because across the street from where we lived there was a little nine-hole golf course where my father worked.

Tags: Father, Playing, Started

I think comics in New York are interested in being comics. And there're comics in L.A. who are touring comics, who are certainly more interested in stand-up, but a lot of L.A. stand-ups are really looking to do something else.

Tags: Else, Interested, Looking

In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants.

Tags: Gone, Lifetime, Voting

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

Tags: Candy, Corn, Funny

If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat.

Tags: Ego, Health, Why

Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas.

Tags: Bad, Ideas, Politics

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.

Tags: Funny, Juice, Milk

It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it!

Tags: Fix, Men, Stupid

And I know this happens because I took economics, and I'd explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye.

Tags: Happens, Learn, Morning

What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense.

Tags: Love, Makes, Sense

I believe that summer is our time, a time for the people, and that no politician should be allowed to speak to us during the summer. They can start talking again after Labor Day.

Tags: After, Start, Time

I love anything that gets me outside of my own head.

Tags: Head, Love, Outside

If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer.

Tags: Closer, Off, Push

I'm a Jew.

Tags: Jew

A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people - three people took a billion dollars. What were they gonna do, start their own space program? 'Let's send the monkey to Mars, Dad!'

Tags: Dad, Father, Start

I don't need politicians doing a 24-hour prayer with Oral Roberts to get our country back on track.

Tags: Country, Prayer, Track

You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work.

Tags: Big, Politics, Work

Basically, I started on stage yelling and I kept yelling, and then I yelled some more, and then I yelled even louder. I'm modulated now.

Tags: Kept, Stage, Started

I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing.

Tags: Broke, Until

Online, there's no time. It's always Christmas.

Tags: Online, Time
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Much more quotes by Lewis Black below the page.

Everybody's got cable.

Tags: Cable, Everybody

I think one reason people play golf is it allows them to obsess about something other than the daily crap. It takes your mind off that.

Tags: Daily, Mind, Reason

I would like to play Pebble Beach at some point. I keep waiting for them to call and ask me to that little pro-am thing, but I'm not big enough.

Tags: Big, Enough, Waiting

I'm a selfish, little pig of a man.

Tags: Pig, Selfish

I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not.

Tags: Great, Joke, Writer

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.

Tags: Real, Reality, Time

I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute.

Tags: Getting, Insane, Stuff
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