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Rodney Dangerfield's Quotes

Rodney Dangerfield profile photo

Born: 1921-11-22
Profession: Comedian
Nation: American
Biography of Rodney Dangerfield

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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

Tags: Kids, Looking, Parents

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

Tags: Girl, Last, Night

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

Tags: Night, Sex, Wife

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

Tags: After, Morning, Mother

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

Tags: Dying, Wanted, Wish

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Tags: Parents, Radio, Tell

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.

Tags: Acting, Himself, Time

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

Tags: Happy, Met, Wife

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

Tags: Dog, Favorite, Pet

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

Tags: Her, Truth, Wife

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

Tags: Cigarette, General, Surgeon

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

Tags: Father, Kid, Picture

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

Tags: Life, Sex

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

Tags: Ask, Big, Pet

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

Tags: Good, Kids, Wife

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

Tags: Again, Marriage, Wife

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

Tags: Home, Sexy, Wife

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

Tags: Call, Dog, Him

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

Tags: Marriage, Sleep, Together

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

Tags: Friend, Mother, She

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

Tags: Cat, Kept, Played

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

Tags: Best, Birthday, Respect

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

Tags: Honest, Luck, Running

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

Tags: Him, Kid, Wife

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.

Tags: Fight, Hope, Wants

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

Tags: Boy, Control, Year
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

Tags: Car, Sex, Wife

Life is just a bowl of pits.

Tags: Bowl, Life, Pits

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

Tags: Draw, Men, Wages

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

Tags: Put, Trying, Wife

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.

Tags: Fact, Knowing, Short

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

Tags: Fat, Found, Funny

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

Tags: Crazy, Opinion, Said

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

Tags: Funny, Her, Wife

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

Tags: Drink, Last, Time

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

Tags: Honest, Luck, Respect

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

Tags: Girl, Home, Said

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

Tags: Everyone, Ridiculous, Said

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

Tags: Jealousy, May, Wife

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

Tags: Fight, Game, Sports

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

Tags: Family, Pet, Three

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

Tags: Coming, Drinking, Taking

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

Tags: Age, Food, Life

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

Tags: Dark, Light, Wife

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

Tags: Hear, Morning, Put

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

Tags: Marriage, Tough, Wife

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

Tags: Family, Found, Funny

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

Tags: God, Said, Ugly

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

Tags: Face, Library, Reading

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Tags: Father, Remember, Time

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

Tags: Found, Kid, Parents

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

Tags: Mother, Ugly, Used

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

Tags: Put, Real, Tough

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

Tags: Dentist, Teeth, Wear

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

Tags: Medical, Mother, Ugly

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

Tags: Big, Gay, London
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