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Dave Barry's Quotes

Dave Barry profile photo

Born: 1947-07-03
Profession: Journalist
Nation: American
Biography of Dave Barry

See the gallery for quotes by Dave Barry. You can to use those 8 images of quotes as a desktop wallpapers.
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What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

Tags: Death, Forward, Immaturity

We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.

Tags: Patriotism, Strong, Try

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

Tags: Face, Fun, Sports

We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.

Tags: Cannot, Company, Inside

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

Tags: Anybody, Golf, Today

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

Tags: Fire, Funny, Universe

'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'.

Tags: Bag, Fat, French

Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.

Tags: Boring, Fish, Fishing

The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.

Tags: Idiot, Mean, Used

Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.

Tags: Advice, Old, Teen

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

Tags: Cause, Death, Fashion

The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.

Tags: Cool, Men, Truth

Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.

Tags: Ireland, Sheep

I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.

Tags: Computer, Computers, Purpose

To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.

Tags: Life, Understand, Why

If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.

Tags: Cute, God, Wanted

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

Tags: Popularity, System, Unless

The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.

Tags: Again, Seem, Time

I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.

Tags: Fact, Happy, Sad

Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

Tags: Keep, Learn, Trying

The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.

Tags: Computers, Future, Society

What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers.

Tags: Another, Between, May

I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.

Tags: Car, Hate, Problems

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.

Tags: Football, Off, Tough

My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.

Tags: End, Game, Problem

The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.

Tags: Brain, Nuclear, Television
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The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.

Tags: Fish, Stick, Trust

The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.

Tags: Cannot, Science, Strange

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

Tags: Business, Camping, Nature

Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything.

Tags: Miles, Oregon, Western

The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.

Tags: Age, Sex, Social

The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.

Tags: Camping, Trip, Ultimate

We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.

Tags: Objective, Point, Stay

American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.

Tags: American, Fat, Problem

As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.

Tags: Afraid, Child, Fear

Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.

Tags: Big, Business, Taxes

For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.

Tags: Far, Golf, Playing

I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.

Tags: Fan, Since, War

I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care.

Tags: Care, Here, Often

If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word.

Tags: Big, Enough, Word

If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.

Tags: Baby, Head, Moment

In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid.

Tags: Fact, Stupid, Until

It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.

Tags: Art, Money, Personal

Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column.

Tags: Chance, Crazy, Good

Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.

Tags: Menace, View

Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.

Tags: Activity, Enough, Popular

The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice.

Tags: Doubt, Human, Time

The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.

Tags: Endangered, Real, Threat

The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire.

Tags: Empire, Historical, Period

There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary.

Tags: Dictionary, Fashion, Models

We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth.

Tags: Days, Except, Original

In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps.

Tags: American, School, Tell

Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!

Tags: Job, True, Words

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.

Tags: Age, Human, Religion

Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.

Tags: Cannot, Sometimes, Violence

Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.

Tags: Religion, Saying, True

We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin.

Tags: Country, Except, System

And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West.

Tags: Looking, Place, Try

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

Tags: Another, Fact, Funny

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

Tags: Bad, Beer, Water

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'

Tags: Human, Reason, Why

Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.

Tags: Men, Simple, Women

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.

Tags: Immature, Once, Young

Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.

Tags: Assume, Guy, Relationship

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

Tags: Again, Time

Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.

Tags: Technology, Today, Why

It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.

Tags: Against, Rain, Travel

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.

Tags: Breasts, Function, Stupid

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Tags: Night, Pill, Sleeping

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.

Tags: Ask, Fact, Why

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

Tags: Almost, Religious, Share

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.

Tags: Adolescent, Parent, Teen

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

Tags: Dies, Life, Stomp

The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.

Tags: History, Technology, Waiting

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

Tags: Accidents, Falling, Percent

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.

Tags: Arise, Car, Dogs

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.

Tags: Boring, Car, Racing

The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.

Tags: Place, Problem, Sports

Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.

Tags: Force, Physics, Powerful

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.

Tags: After, Religion, Writing

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

Tags: Coffee, Food, Less

I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.

Tags: Children, Good, Parents

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

Tags: Cares, Dance, Nobody
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