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Rita Rudner's Quotes

Rita Rudner profile photo

Born: 1955-09-17
Profession: Comedian
Nation: American
Biography of Rita Rudner

See the gallery for quotes by Rita Rudner. You can to use those 8 images of quotes as a desktop wallpapers.
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I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Tags: Marriage, Men, Pain

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

Tags: Fire, Ugly, Women

I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

Tags: Old, Plan, Until

I'm a very simple person. I'm very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that's me.

Tags: Pleased, Shallow, Simple

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

Tags: Bad, Men, Women

There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.

Tags: Fit, Humor, Kinds

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

Tags: Asked, Prom, Tell

Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'

Tags: Children, Guy, Spend

I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable.

Tags: Makes, Shy

I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh.

Tags: Laugh, Middle, Stay

I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling.

Tags: Feeling, Happy, Write

I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.

Tags: Decided, Desire, Until

I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal.

Tags: Animal, Dogs, Love

I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

Tags: Care, Children, Parents

I love to write jokes and that's all I think about.

Tags: Jokes, Love, Write

If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good.

Tags: Good, Joke, Makes

Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before.

Tags: After, Mother, Taste

My mother's mother is a very tough cookie. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping.

Tags: Mother, She, Tough

My Vegas act is how I make my money.

Tags: Act, Money, Vegas

The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.

Tags: Actually, Him, Time

They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.

Tags: Bank, Busy, Except

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

Tags: Children, Good, Parenting

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.

Tags: Age, Fake, Husband

The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing.

Tags: Acting, Thought, Try

When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with first position, second, third.

Tags: Position, Second, Start

I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country; people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again.

Tags: Business, Good, Time

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Much more quotes by Rita Rudner below the page.

I started taking ballet lessons when I was 4, and I was performing in ballet companies when I was 10, and I did summer stock in Miami Beach when I was 12, and finally I said, 'I gotta go to Broadway.'

Tags: Said, Started, Summer

I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body.

Tags: Off, Time, Woman

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Tags: Life, Love, Marriage

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.

Tags: Few, Husband, Love

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

Tags: Funny, Idea, Name

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

Tags: Pet, Religious, Weird

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Tags: Marriage, Men, Pain

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

Tags: Men, Stupid, Woman

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

Tags: Funny, Started, Until

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.

Tags: Great, Love, Moving On

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

Tags: Air, Build, Mother

To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'

Tags: Car, Funny, Men

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

Tags: Child, Husband, Marriage

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.

Tags: She, Tough, Woman

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?

Tags: Children, Last, Question

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.

Tags: Dog, Feet, Pet

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

Tags: Funny, Marriage, Success

My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping.

Tags: Husbands, Mother, Three

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

Tags: Humanity, Respect, Rich

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.

Tags: Dating, Him, Wanted

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

Tags: Ballet, Class, Mine

It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Tags: Great, Life, Special

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

Tags: Medical, Office, Until

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.

Tags: Country, Fight, War

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?

Tags: God, Men, Women

The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.

Tags: Said, Together, Word

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

Tags: Men, Night, Women

Be Impeccable With Your Word. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

Tags: Love, Motivational, Power

Life is like dancing. If we have a big floor, many people will dance. Some will get angry when the rhythm changes. But life is changing all the time.

Tags: Angry, Life, Time

Don't Make Assumptions. Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

Tags: Courage, Life, Sadness

Don't Take Anything Personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

Tags: Others, Reality, Suffering

Every human is an artist. The dream of your life is to make beautiful art.

Tags: Art, Beautiful, Life

Always Do Your Best. Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

Tags: Best, Change, Regret

Respect is one of the greatest expressions of love.

Tags: Greatest, Love, Respect

Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

Tags: Best, Regret, Simply

Always do your best.

Tags: Best

Be impeccable with your word.

Tags: Impeccable, Word

Death is not the biggest fear we have; our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive - the risk to be alive and express what we really are.

Tags: Alive, Death, Fear

Be Skeptical, but learn to listen.

Tags: Learn, Listen, Skeptical

Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick.

Tags: Best, Change, Sick

Everyone has been made for some particular work, and the desire for that work has been put in every heart.

Tags: Heart, Put, Work

Let the beauty of what you love be what you do.

Tags: Beauty, Love, Work

Don't grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.

Tags: Another, Lose, Round

This is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally, to take a step without feet.

Tags: Life, Love, Moment

It may be that the satisfaction I need depends on my going away, so that when I've gone and come back, I'll find it at home.

Tags: Away, Home, May

Something opens our wings. Something makes boredom and hurt disappear. Someone fills the cup in front of us: We taste only sacredness.

Tags: Hurt, Makes, Someone