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Jokes Quotes

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I don't mind making jokes, but I don't want to look like one.

Tags: Making, Mind  ✍ Author: Marilyn Monroe

I prefer sayings over jokes.

Tags: Prefer, Sayings  ✍ Author: Robert Ballard

I guess I'm like Roger Miller who used to say that he didn't have as many jokes as he thought he did.

Tags: Thought, Used  ✍ Author: Glen Campbell

I don't care if my jokes are appropriate for a kid.

Tags: Care, Kid  ✍ Author: Drew Carey

In polite society one laughs at all the jokes, including the ones one has heard before.

Tags: Heard, Society  ✍ Author: Eric Dane

In my early writing, all of my characters were exactly the same person. They all spoke the same, made the same types of jokes, reacted the same, etc. I think they were all just me in disguise.

Tags: Early, Writing  ✍ Author: James Dashner

Most people think I'm immodest.

Tags: Bad, Stop  ✍ Author: Larry David

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

Tags: Difference, Great  ✍ Author: George Eliot

Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

Tags: Great, Taste  ✍ Author: George Eliot

You can never have a thousand percent batting average on jokes - it's just never going to happen.

Tags: Happen, Percent  ✍ Author: Paul Feig

I don't know any jokes, which is embarrassing. I wish I did.

Tags: Wish  ✍ Author: Marty Feldman

I initially signed up for Twitter just to do jokes I wasn't going to do in my stand-up routine.

Tags: Routine, Twitter  ✍ Author: Jim Gaffigan

In Bengal, Hindus are known to crack jokes at the expense of their gods and goddesses and that's what I did.

Tags: Gods, Known  ✍ Author: Sunil Gangopadhyay

My whole life, I've been telling jokes.

Tags: Life, Whole  ✍ Author: Brad Garrett

I was always Armie. There couldn't be a 90-year-old Armand and a 9-day-old one. And I heard enough jokes about baking soda.

Tags: Enough, Heard  ✍ Author: Armie Hammer

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

Tags: Funny  ✍ Author: Mitch Hedberg

Some comics don't like it when people talk during the set, and it does get a little bit annoying after awhile, but I basically let people dictate what jokes I'm going to do.

Tags: After, Talk  ✍ Author: Gabriel Iglesias

A civil servant doesn't make jokes.

Tags: Civil, Servant  ✍ Author: Eugene Ionesco

It got very tedious saying the same jokes in the same way with the same attitude.

Tags: Attitude, Saying  ✍ Author: Norm MacDonald

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Tags: Dumb, Intelligence  ✍ Author: Dolly Parton

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.

Tags: Head, Safe  ✍ Author: Emo Philips

I could never do stand-up because it's that thing of having to get up on stage. And out of every 10 jokes you tell, nine of them have to get a really good response.

Tags: Good, Tell  ✍ Author: Daniel Radcliffe

I can't crack jokes because I don't have any.

Tags: Crack  ✍ Author: Rene Redzepi

I love to write jokes and that's all I think about.

Tags: Love, Write  ✍ Author: Rita Rudner

Comedy, at least the way I write comedy, is just drama with jokes.

Tags: Comedy, Write  ✍ Author: Rob Walton
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You know, my first album, some of those jokes I'd done for twelve years because I couldn't throw 'em out.

Tags: Done, Throw  ✍ Author: Ron White

The White Company offers its loyalists an altogether better, whiter world. The White people have edited out any colours that aren't white, off-white, milk chocolate, grey, taupe or black. They can't be doing with Johnnie Boden's cheery Sloane jokes, his spots and stripes, his occasional 'if it's me, it's U' loud colours.

Tags: Black, Company  ✍ Author: Peter York

I never believe them when they say that because you really have to sort of be aware of what's going on in the news in order to get the jokes on the show.

Tags: Order, Show  ✍ Author: Natasha Bedingfield

I don't want to be with someone boring because I'm always laughing. I like to play jokes on people and be sarcastic.

Tags: Boring, Someone  ✍ Author: Ashley Benson

Gayness is a non-issue.

Tags: Bad, Consider  ✍ Author: Sandra Bernhard

There have been some very extreme hecklers in audiences whose bile was so hateful and so meant that it would be a bit frightening to think that all I'm doing is jokes and yet someone hates me that much.

Tags: Bit, Someone  ✍ Author: Jo Brand

I secrete jokes like the pancreas secretes... whatever the pancreas secretes.

Tags: Whatever  ✍ Author: Marshall Brickman

My best jokes are so cheap. All I do is say things sarcastically.

Tags: Best, Cheap  ✍ Author: Adam Brody

I'm the youngest of four, and I'm always the clown - making the jokes, wanting attention.

Tags: Attention, Making  ✍ Author: Rose Byrne

A surprising amount of my jokes sound very implausible but are true.

Tags: Sound, True  ✍ Author: Jimmy Carr

I love my jokes.

Tags: Love  ✍ Author: Dave Chappelle

My favourite things are jokes, friendliness and feeling comfortable.

Tags: Favourite, Feeling  ✍ Author: Billy Childish

I tell the most horrible jokes.

Tags: Horrible, Tell  ✍ Author: Emmanuelle Chriqui

I'm a fun person. I like cracking jokes and being completely nerdy.

Tags: Fun, Nerdy  ✍ Author: Helena Christensen

I'm not here to affect you politically or socially. I'm here to make you laugh. I use the news as the palette for my jokes.

Tags: Here, Laugh  ✍ Author: Stephen Colbert

Really, I'm pretty laid-back, always cracking jokes.

Tags: Cracking, Pretty  ✍ Author: Chace Crawford

You can't just yell jokes at people.

Tags: Yell  ✍ Author: David Cross

I could never sit down and write jokes.

Tags: Sit, Write  ✍ Author: Louis C. K.

Dwarves are still the butt of jokes. It's one of the last bastions of acceptable prejudice.

Tags: Last, Prejudice  ✍ Author: Peter Dinklage

When you have a couple hundred people in one huge space, that's gonna lead to jokes and it's a breeding ground for practical jokes and teasing.

Tags: Lead, Space  ✍ Author: Duffy

I'm a plethora of stolen jokes and kitschy references.

Tags: References, Stolen  ✍ Author: Nathan Fillion

Evolution has programmed our brains to find two things particularly interesting, and therefore memorable: jokes and sex - and especially, it seems, jokes about sex.

Tags: Seems, Sex  ✍ Author: Joshua Foer

I'm not even really a joke-teller. I can do ad-lib and banter, but I don't do jokes.

 ✍ Author: Bruce Forsyth

Johnny Carson started the jokes about me and Marlin in his monologues.

Tags: Monologues, Started  ✍ Author: Jim Fowler

I have friends who are going through chemotherapy, and they make the darkest, most hideous cancer jokes you've ever heard.

Tags: Cancer, Friends  ✍ Author: Kathy Griffin

I'm really bad at writing jokes.

Tags: Bad, Writing  ✍ Author: Glenn Howerton

I think a theater show is a pure version of me doing my material. The theater crowd is a bit more polite, there really aren't hecklers, and there are a lot of people there to see me, and they're excited about the jokes and hanging out with me for a show.

Tags: Bit, Show  ✍ Author: Anthony Jeselnik

I've never really told jokes. I'm not good at it.

Tags: Good  ✍ Author: David E. Kelley

When my mother died, I had to go on air that night and do jokes.

Tags: Mother, Night  ✍ Author: Graham Kennedy

Soon I learned that the worse the puns and jokes, the funnier they could be, if you knew how to deliver them.

Tags: Knew, Learned  ✍ Author: John Lasseter

People make jokes about how black people are the first ones to be killed off.

Tags: Black, Off  ✍ Author: Sanaa Lathan

Don't make jokes about food.

Tags: Food  ✍ Author: David Lean

The shouting and opinion and jokes don't exist if there isn't first a story.

Tags: Opinion, Story  ✍ Author: Jim Lehrer

I enjoy life. I always enjoy jokes.

Tags: Enjoy, Life  ✍ Author: Ivan Lendl

I've included these little jokes and mysteries in my writing for the amusement of readers.

Tags: Readers, Writing  ✍ Author: Armistead Maupin

Jokes are grievances.

Tags: Grievances  ✍ Author: Marshall McLuhan

When I turned about 12 or 13, I realised that being funny wasn't about remembering jokes. It was about creating them.

Tags: Creating, Funny  ✍ Author: Paul Merton

People appreciate it when you take some time to think about who will be listening to your jokes.

Tags: Appreciate, Time  ✍ Author: Seth Meyers

Jokes are better than war. Even the most aggressive jokes are better than the least aggressive wars. Even the longest jokes are better than the shortest wars.

Tags: Aggressive, War  ✍ Author: George Mikes

You achieve the surreal jokes through the realism by making it elastic.

Tags: Achieve, Making  ✍ Author: Dylan Moran

Wit is a weapon. Jokes are a masculine way of inflicting superiority. But humor is the pursuit of a gentle grin, usually in solitude.

Tags: Humor, Solitude  ✍ Author: Frank Muir

I like smart jokes, I like dumb jokes, and I like dumb jokes done smartly.

Tags: Done, Smart  ✍ Author: Mike Myers

I'm not built for war. I'm built for entertainment. I'm built for jokes - either telling them or being the butt of them.

Tags: Either, War  ✍ Author: Josh Peck

I don't see anyone avoiding the Stones because DJs make jokes about them being a part of the Geritol set. All it does is make the DJs look stupid.

Tags: Anyone, Stupid  ✍ Author: Joe Perry

But it's fun to be something, have that, and you don't have to be real. It's like, comedians. They go on and they're doing all these jokes. I would be like that if I were more awake.

Tags: Fun, Real  ✍ Author: Parker Posey

I tell a lot of fart and poop jokes. I can't help it. I have no filter, and it just comes out.

Tags: Help, Tell  ✍ Author: Tyler Posey

I have my own gym. When you do jokes and they sell, you get a gym.

Tags: Gym, Sell  ✍ Author: Don Rickles

I told jokes badly.

Tags: Badly  ✍ Author: Don Rickles

It's much easier to make jokes about sensitive issues if there is some dissent, some conflict.

Tags: Issues, Sensitive  ✍ Author: Mo Rocca

I've always wondered, what am I going to do that's important with these stupid jokes that I tell.

Tags: Stupid, Tell  ✍ Author: Ray Romano

I was the kid who always hung back and then dropped the jokes when you least expected it. Timing was everything. My mouth sort of developed over time.

Tags: Kid, Time  ✍ Author: Jeff Ross

I don't consider myself a comedian because I don't really concern myself too much with jokes.

Tags: Concern, Consider  ✍ Author: Paul Rudd

I do jokes about what's funny, and both sides are funny.

Tags: Both, Funny  ✍ Author: Mark Russell

We were watching the first series recently, and it has a charm, a kind of amateur charm. At that point we didn't involve ourselves technically at all - we just messed about and told our jokes - and it looks a bit like that.

Tags: Ourselves, Point  ✍ Author: Jennifer Saunders

I like to create stuff. I like to express myself through jokes.

Tags: Create, Stuff  ✍ Author: Amy Schumer

Sometimes people get passionate about the obscure jokes.

Tags: Passionate, Sometimes  ✍ Author: Martin Short

If you were on the phone with me and Tommy right now, we would probably forget you were there, we'd just be cracking jokes. It's like Beavis and Butthead.

Tags: Forget, Phone  ✍ Author: Nikki Sixx

I grew up in an environment of jokes and sarcasm and puns. I talk that way, so I write that way.

Tags: Talk, Write  ✍ Author: Alfred P. Sloan

Vegas has the Whitman's Sampler of audiences. They come from all different places, so you have to do some crowd psychology. You have to find the heartbeat of the room. It doesn't shift my jokes, but it shifts my timing and my attention.

Tags: Attention, Room  ✍ Author: Hal Sparks

For every ten jokes you acquire a hundred enemies.

Tags: Acquire, Ten  ✍ Author: Laurence Sterne

I do love jokes.

Tags: Love  ✍ Author: Scott Thompson

Zac Efron is like a brother who's just goofy and crazy. He plays a lot of practical jokes.

Tags: Brother, Crazy  ✍ Author: Ashley Tisdale

My way of fitting in was through jokes and making people laugh.

Tags: Laugh, Making  ✍ Author: Carrot Top

It's the teenage and university crowd, so we give them lots of sex jokes and gross humour.

Tags: Give, Sex  ✍ Author: Keenen Ivory Wayans

A lot of the jokes had some build-up to some nasty stuff. But most of it was all character situations leading to what the ultimate payoff would be for that character.

Tags: Character, Stuff  ✍ Author: Shawn Wayans

It had more layers than an onion. These writers meant business. There was a level for everybody. Your major could be celestial mechanics, and there'd be celestial-mechanics jokes.

Tags: Business, Everybody  ✍ Author: Billy West

Times change. The farmer's daughter now tells jokes about the traveling salesman.

Tags: Change, Times  ✍ Author: Brian Williams

I've always been terrible on regular sitcoms with lots of jokes. I don't know how to tell jokes.

Tags: Tell, Terrible  ✍ Author: Rainn Wilson

I don't do jokes. The characters are my jokes.

Tags: Characters  ✍ Author: Jonathan Winters

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